Does the title sound like a mix-up of metaphors? I agree. I had to do that to be able to do justice to what I want to say…
This is kind of a meta-philosophical post, but the mood I find myself in today calls for such a one.
I recently had a discussion with a friend, and it has got me thinking.
It’s admirable to be able to stretch yourself and grow, especially in fields that do not offer you the comfort zone that you are used to. You begin with a dose of mettle, and keep going with gumption and sometimes with nothing but stubbornness and gritted-teeth as your aids.
If all these are driven by love for what you are doing, then you’re among the lucky ones, because not everyone has the same luxury when they have to make a drastic change in career or lifestyle or both. Many have to tread that path out of sheer despondency and desperation.
However, at times, there comes a situation when we need to revisit our goals and learn to give up, if that’s the right thing to do.
Have you ever been in this situation before? You are walled in by a solid wall of rock on three sides, and the only way out is to slowly backtrack the way you entered into the tunnel. Which in turn means, you undo all the work you have put into:
- Gathering up the courage to even think about traversing the dark and unknown tunnel.
- Searching for the resources that such an adventure demands.
- Convincing everyone around you (not even counting yourself) that it is the right thing to do and you know what you’re doing.
- Garnering the wisdom and knowledge that came your way during your journey through the various stages of the tunnel. True, you’re not really giving these up, but you have to give up actively making use of what you learned.
Late one evening, as I sat waiting for my critique buddies to show up at the book store that we regularly meet, the conditions happened to be just right and there blossomed this rainbow. I took that as a sign (call me superstitious, but I tend to see signs everywhere these days) and decided to adopt it as my very personal light at the end of my tunnel :-). (Picture taken with the help of a not-so-advanced phone camera, by a not-so-mature hand.)
And then when you do come out of the tunnel, tired and dispirited, what do you notice? That the world around you has changed while you were on your quest. Nothing seems the way you left it. Everyone has somehow learned to move on without you in their midst. And you begin to feel like you would never belong anywhere again.
I have not experienced anything quite like this myself (not the latter half, at least) per se. I have, however, put myself on the not-so-sturdy limb of a tree by getting into the writing field. The journey has been something of a revelation – sometimes wonderful and exhilarating and at times scary and unfamiliar – at every stage so far.
Sometimes I can’t help thinking: what if this tunnel of mine, which I’m having a great time traversing, ends up with no light at the end (notwithstanding the fact that the light may mean different things to different people)?
Will I be able to retrace my footsteps in time? Will I be able pick up the pieces and move on? Will I be able to find another pursuit as meaningful and enjoyable as this one?
I don’t know the answers to these questions at this point in time. None of us knows ourselves well enough to guess how we’ll respond to such a hypothetical situation. If we do venture any likely and theoretical reactions, they will be just that – guesses. Not real.
I sincerely hope that:
There never comes a time when I may even need to contemplate these questions.
Do you ever feel this way about things in life? If so, how do you come out of these ponderous and ruminative thoughts?
Wading Through Words 
Hema – I really enjoyed your post this morning – was great to read it at the beginning of the day too! Thank you :-)
I feel as if there is no backwards, even if you do have to give up on plans and that you never undo the work you put in because all of that stuff is part of the journey and sometimes the journey is what’s more important. Everything that happens, good or bad, has an effect on us and makes us who we are – and sometimes that journey turns out to be a different one than the one we originally plan.
It’s when you’re too afraid to start the journey that you become stuck in a rut.
Good luck to your friend – I’m sure it’ll be worth all the hard work in the end! Ella
I cannot agree more with Ella’s comment “It’s when you’re too afraid to start the journey that you become stuck in a rut”.
The end result we hope for when we start on a jouney may not always happen, but most times than not we will come to a fruitful result, especially folks like you Hema, that put in so much into what you do. There’s got be light at the end of the tunnel.. how long can we persist to reach the end is purely a case by case scenario.
First of all, corrected the typo in the title (*blushing*)… argh! Can’t wait for summer, when I don’t have to post running around like a headless chicken!!
Ella: thank you for your kind words! I completely agree with you that the most fun part is the journey itself. And I wouldn’t trade the last one year that I have belonged to our writing group for a million dollors! :-)
PB: You’re so sweet! I know friends like you are always there to catch me if I fall, that’s why I’m able to stretch out on that flimsy limb. And believe me, I’m the persistent (as a bull dog) kind, so I’m in this journey for the long haul :-).
Hey Hema no need to blush in front of me for typos – I’m the Queen in that department! ;-)
PB – so true, so true!
Ella :-)
Good luck to your friend!! That is extremely brave. My sister quit a high paying job to start her own business a few years ago. She is glad she did it, but there are many challenges. Especially in this economy!
Love the rainbow picture. I tend to see “signs” too, but only positive ones. We all need all the positive boosts we can get!
I think that even if we come to the end of the tunnel and find no light, its the journey that matters sometimes so much more than the destination. It is disappointing to have to turn around, we feel we have wasted time, but you have learned things along the way that can only benefit you. You may feel that you can’t retrace your steps in time, but thats when you need good people around you to help you get back or to shine the light that you need to keep you going forward.
I think, based on what I have read here at Wading Through Words, that you have chosen a great path for yourself in writing. I look forward to reading your work someday :)
This amazing post of yours Hema is bringing out my worst fear from its cave and making me face it! :)
When I gave up my career in Law and decided to start from the beginning and make a career as a writer, I just kept thinking to myself, “what if I fail? What if I’m wrong and I’m wasting all my time &energy on something that’s never going to happen?” I kept thinking, what if one day I’ll find myself “walled in by a solid wall of rock on three sides, and the only way out is to slowly backtrack the way you entered into the tunnel.” I was scared to death. (Between you an I- I still am scared… )
But I did it anyway. Because the unhappiness of not doing it was worse so I took a chance and decided to see where I can get. I’ll do my best and if I fail, then I fail. Beats not trying I guess… :)
I have a day job and never liked it. In the first years I even subscribed to Overseas Jobs Express, trying to find another… but it’s tough to leave a steady income and a house to jump into that tunnel, not sure of what’s there. If I was sure I could find a WRITING job abroad, I’d have jumped at the chance. But I could find only secretary jobs, therefore I kept the first option – BUT decided to go part-time. So, after 10 years full time, the next 12 were part-time. Up to today, some people still wonder WHY I went part-time – no husband, no kids, why? “Because I have a life out of here!” – talk about serendipity, Hema, your post mirrors Ollin’s post on dreamers/artists…
I admit I’m kind of restless again, but considering the economy, it’s not really the right time to start my own venture (I wouldn’t mind a handcraft business – but there’s the word I hate again, “business”, when will I be able to create and live on my creations without bothering with the business side of it? Sigh). So, I’ll just wait a little longer, and see what happens next. Things always happen for a reason, don’t they?
Kelly, you’re a woman after my own heart. I tend to see only positive signs, too. If at all I happen upon anything that may be construed as negative, I try my best to rationalize it into a positive :-).
Heather, thank you so much! That means a lot to me! And yes, I totally agree that it is important to enjoy the journey and not stress over the destination. I indeed enjoy this whole process. Most times, anyway :-). And I, too, hope that you’ll get to read my novel(s) some day ;-).
Uh-oh, Lua, didn’t mean to bring out your worst fears. But, like you mentioned, do we ever get over them? I think we only learn to mask them very well. I’m glad you took that step and put yourself out there, and you’re here in the blogging world :). I find this journey exhilarating with a new twist every single day!
Barb, I know exactly what you mean by being restless. While working on revising one manuscript, I’m being pulled in other directions by two other stories in my head and some days it’s so bad that I just shut the laptop :). I’m a little apprehensive about the phrase “Things happen for a reason”, because most times people say it to console you after a not-so-happy experience :-). And it’s hard for many people to understand others’ priorities, especially if they don’t mirror their own, isn’t it? But, I’m so glad you’re here in blogosphere! I’ll have to go read Ollin’s post, too!
Hema,
Great great post!
The courage to move forward with this writing life is made possible with wonderful writers like you and EVERY writer who commented on this post. Immense learning in the space we share.
What is life if we do not make it less difficult for each other!
I’m currently working through the first draft of act-1 of my novel. Doing this in the middle of dependencies, distractions from my personal and work life is what I find most overwhelming, the most challenging.
I’m beginning to realize that showing up to write is half-work done – the writing takes me into a thoroughly engrossed journey from there, no matter how awesome or crappy the scenes turn out to be.
I know I want this really bad….This writing life…it is quite something!
Wonderful post, Hema…I’m terrified that I won’t reach the end of the tunnel and will have to back up and do something different. I can’t imagine my life without writing being in it.
Amazing photgraph! (and from a cell phone…wow!)
I decided long ago that even if I never get published, I’ll still write just because I love it and can’t imagine life without it. I think if you’re enjoying the journey, it makes your life richer, whether you find your light at the end of the tunnel or not.
Suma, thank you! I quite agree with you that I gather a lot of courage and encouragement by reading my regular stock of blogs. It’s such a good feeling of belonging, this sharing and learning, isn’t it? Isn’t it amazing how much peace we feel by just penning our thoughts? Good luck with your novel!
Sharon, thanks! What a great point you make, that we may not even reach the end of the tunnel to see what lies there! Thanks for adding another branch to my already-too-thick tree of doubts ;-).
Susan, good for you! I’m slowly getting there (being prepared for whatever happens), but like you, I don’t think I can ever stop writing. I have been bitten by the bug and to keep writing is the only balm for it!
Great post. Lots of inner chats, displayed on a public canvass. This left me thinking:
‘There never comes a time when I may even need to contemplate these questions. ‘
If/when that happens, run a thousand miles away, because you’ve stopped being human, or at least a rational being. Part of what, in my humble opinion, is wrong with the world today is that many people don’t even want to contemplate those questions, let alone answer them. They either ignore them, or delegate the responsibility of responding to them to a higher being, i.e., God.
You’re facing your own dilemmas and being public about it to cap it all. You ought to be commended. Let the questions come. You’ve got a whole life to contemplate them and who knows? maybe even answer them. :-)
Greetings from London.
Hmm… Cuban, why do I get the feeling that I’m being taken to task for doing something (even if only mildly) reproachable? :) These thoughts, according to me, are not peculiar to just me. They may take different shapes and phrases, but doesn’t everyone have these? I was only penning them down, having culled them from various sources for some time.
As for hoping never to have to contemplate them, it’s my way of saying that I hope I make it, whatever my goal may be. If we don’t start out that way, aren’t we setting ourselves up for failure before we even begin? And the fact that I am writing them down itself means that I have been contemplating them thoroughly for some time now ;-). Thanks for sharing your opinions, Cuban!
You can make it Hema! :-)
Thanks, Ella! :)